365 Tips For Parents

365 Tips For Parents


#001: Cut off the crusts.
#002: Make real cocoa.
#003: Hang their drawings on the fridge.
#004: Say the clay ashtray is what you always wanted.
#005: Sing silly songs.
#006: Make goofy faces.
#007: Let them take off the training wheels.
#008: Remind the Tooth Fairy about inflation.
#009: Buy a good stain remover.
#010: Let them keep the kitten.
#011: Remember when YOU misbehaved.
#012: If you don't know, say so.
#013: Let grandma spoil them.
#014: Let them stay up just a little bit longer.
#015: Lock up the good china.
#016: Tickle.
#017: Be a good sport.
#018: Be a good friend.
#019: Smile when your mother-in-law gives you advice.
#020: ALL mothers are working mothers.
#021: Ultimatums don't work.
#022: Bribes work.
#023: Hysteria will get you nowhere.
#024: Their first summer at camp is murder.
#025: Let them lick the spoon.
#026: Learn lots of lullabies.
#027: Breastfeeding in public goes over better in Europe.
#028: Learn to handle sleep deprivation.
#029: Have an answer ready for "Where do babies come from?"
#030: Don't flinch when they grow taller than you.
#031: Going to college don't mean they won't come back.
#032: Don't teach them to parallel park.
#033: Be consistent.
#034: Think quick.
#035: Improvise.
#036: Sympathize.
#037: Remember: It's just a phase.
#038: "Wait till your father gets home" is a cop-out.
#039: "Because I said so" is a good reason.
#040: Never tell them how much they'll inherit.
#041: Teach them four precious words: "We can't afford it.".
#042: Carry Wash'n Dri.
#043: Smile when you change that diaper.
#044: It's absolutely okay to say "No".
#045: Buy chunky peanut butter in jumbo jars.
#046: Run a credit line at the toy store.
#047: Forget suede.
#048: Teachers ARE underpaid.
#049: Learn the rules of football.
#050: Teach them to write thank you notes.
#051: Your teenage daughter WILL find you embarrassing.
#052: Cheese food is not cheese.
#053: Thirteen is too late to put them up for adoption.
#054: Potty training builds character (yours).
#055: Sibling rivalry builds character (theirs).
#056: Worry, worry, worry.
#057: Childbirth is not for wimps.
#058: Stretch marks are a badge of honor.
#059: Half your brain leaves with the placenta.
#060: Donate pre-pregnancy jeans to charity.
#061: Don't read the label on baby formula.
#062: With luck, they'll call you once a week when they leave.
#063: With luck, they won't call collect.
#064: With luck, they'll pay for their own therapy when grown.
#065: No matter what, they'll always be your babies.
#066: The older they get, the wiser you'll seem.
#067: Just when you've got them figured out, they change.
#068: Kiss it an make it better.
#069: Make ice cube popsicles.
#070: If you promised, do it.
#071: Watch what you promise.
#072: When in doubt, say "We'll see."
#073: Bunk beds are cool.
#074: You'll sometimes act just like YOUR mother.
#075: Buy Permapress.
#076: Use the honor system.
#077: You can only shoot so much videotape.
#078: Pose good questions.
#079: Colic happens.
#080: Cowlicks happen.
#081: Look what being a martyr got Joan of Arc.
#082: A dishwasher is not a luxury.
#083: The new math is harder than the old math.
#084: Let's hear it for leftovers.
#085: Don't leave their teddy bear behind.
#086: Learn to make daisy chains.
#087: Not everyone can be a valedictorian.
#088: They're never too old to scold.
#089: They're never too big to hug.
#090: They're never too smart to receive some good advice.
#091: They're never too rich to take home your leftovers.
#092: Don't remind your grown son you changed his diapers.
#093: If they grow up to be doctors, take the credit.
#094: If they grow up to be lawyers, don't take the blame.
#095: If they become pro-athletes, take the house & car.
#096: If they become politicians they were switched at birth.
#097: Don't teach the kids your fear of bugs.
#098: Take them to a petting zoo.
#099: Don't use a pediatrician who isn't a parent.
#100: You can never have too many Kleenex.
#101: Reserve the New Year's Eve babysitter on January 2.
#102: You can blame just about anything on teething.
#103: Some of the great minds of our time were bed wetters.
#104: Let someone else break the news about Santa Claus.
#105: Not everyone can win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
#106: Iodine really DOES sting.
#107: Mother's Day comes but once a year--milk it.
#108: Adjust allowances for cost of living.
#109: Cookie dough is better than cookies.
#110: Don't let the kids forget Father's Day.
#111: Tie their mittens together.
#112: When they say they've got to go, stop!
#113: An unmade bed is easier to get into.
#114: Prove there's no monster under the bed.
#115: Hugs are the antidotes to nightmares.
#116: Don't put their favorite blankie in the wash.
#117: Disney World is not optional.
#118: A little fast food never killed anyone.
#119: They already know more about computers than you do.
#120: Even George Bush didn't eat his broccoli.
#121: Teach the kids to recycle.
#122: Someday your son will love another woman.
#123: When they leave home, you'll actually miss them.
#124: Whatever your age, you're too young to be a grandma.
#125: The more they tease you, the more you're loved.
#126: Always make their favorite dish when they visit.
#127: Believe it or not, SATs aren't everything.
#128: Yes, it's important they wear what their friends wear.
#129: Teenagers are SUPPOSED to dress goofy.
#130: Yes, we're all tired of dinosaurs.
#131: Anyone can make a secret special sauce.
#132: Buy them a globe.
#133: Socks and underwear are not gifts.
#134: Ear thermometers beat rectal any day.
#135: Hide old toys and reintroduce them next week.
#136: Bribe the babysitter with Hagen-Dazs.
#137: No matter what, your son will wind up with a toy gun.
#138: No matter what, your daughter will want Barbie.
#139: No matter what, you will memorize GOOD NIGHT MOON.
#140: Puberty was hell for you too.
#141: They'll always bring home their laundry.
#142: Courage.
#143: Grace doesn't count unless it's under pressure.
#144: Many geniuses were late bloomers.
#145: When you retire, feel free to spend their inheritance.
#146: Hold their hands.
#147: Look encouraging at the dentist.
#148: Don't give your son a crew cut.
#149: "Bambi" is too scary for five-year olds.
#150: Froot Loops are NOT a balanced meal.
#151: Yes, they need all sixty-four Crayolas.
#152: No, they can't have a pony.
#153: Chicken soup couldn't hurt.
#154: Keep the cookie jar full.
#155: Tuck them in.
#156: Add sound effects to the bedtime story.
#157: No, they REALLY can't have a pony.
#158: Gingerbread houses aren't worth the work.
#159: Tollhouse cookies ARE worth the work.
#160: Put plenty of icing on birthday cakes.
#161: Don't tell you helped blow out the candles.
#162: Kids give more gifts than they'll receive.
#163: Kids WILL drink straight from the carton.
#164: Look sad when the snowman melts.
#165: Kids prefer hot dogs to duck a l'orange.
#166: A sense of humor is a necessity.
#167: They don't call it women's intuition for nothing.
#168: Insist on short-haired dogs.
#169: Coax the cat out of the tree.
#170: For the last time, a pony is out!
#171: Sew name tags in their underwear.
#172: Be a den mother.
#173: Let your daughter have a training bra.
#174: Buy your share of EXPENSIVE Girl Scout cookies
#175: Cultivate the art of napping.
#176: Washable markers aren't.
#177: Help build a sandcastle.
#178: Let them make a fort out of boxes.
#179: Piano lessons aren't for everyone.
#180: Tell Dad to share the toy trains.
#181: Tell your daughter she CAN be a fire fighter.
#182: Host a slumber party.
#183: Don't hover.
#184: Childhood doesn't go as fast as they say.
#185: Don't make your twelve-year-old shop for underwear.
#186: Take snapshots on the first day of school.
#187: Help carve a pumpkin.
#188: Sail paper airplanes.
#189: Teach them to whistle.
#190: Volunteer for class trips.
#191: Join the PTA.
#192: Don't panic.
#193: Hunt for four-leaf clovers.
#194: Befriend other mothers.
#195: Don't let kids record answering machine messages.
#196: Scotchguard everything.
#197: There's a little Martha Stewart in all of us.
#198: Never use the check-out with the candy display.
#199: All car trip diversions last three minutes.
#200: Snowsuits induce the desire to go to the bathroom.
#201: Let them eat Oreos inside-out
#202: Be ready when kids ask "What were the Beatles?".
#203: You did SO do that at their ages.
#204: The more solemn the moment, the louder they cry.
#205: Kids get dirty quicker on more important occasions.
#206: Don't take kids grocery shopping on empty stomachs.
#207: Forget your moral objections to pacifiers.
#208: Forbidden junk food will be eaten at neighbor's house.
#209: Prohibited TV shows will be watched at neighbor's home.
#210: Tell know-it-alls: Mind your own business.
#211: Put a lock on your bedroom door.
#212: Trust your instincts.
#213: Occasionally you WILL use the TV as a babysitter.
#214: If they won't clean their plates, use smaller plates.
#215: Pack school lunches with good trading items.
#216: There's a lot of wisdom in MAD magazine.
#217: Don't flush the fish.
#218: Let them eat cake.
#219: Let them eat animal crackers.
#220: Keep smiling.
#221: There's no escaping car pools.
#222: Yes, they'll need braces.
#223: Yes, they'll need stitches.
#224: Guilt is an art form.
#225: Curfews are made to be broken.
#226: Dry their tears.
#227: Play Name the State Capitals.
#228: Teach them to read maps.
#229: Do a jigsaw puzzle together.
#230: Ask only that they try their best.
#231: Your son's wife will not be pretty enough.
#232: Your daughter's husband will not earn enough.
#233: When they have kids, they'll REALLY appreciate you.
#234: Grandchildren are for spoiling.
#235: Transfer old home movies to video.
#236: Make lemonade from real lemons.
#237: It's your duty to brag.
#238: Point out that your granddaughter has your eyes.
#239: Be sure to mention that your grandson has your smile.
#240: Let your daughter think she's a better mother than you.
#241: When daughter's in labor don't say "Now you know.".
#242: Teenage daughters are hazardous to your health.
#243: Teenage sons are hazardous to their own health.
#244: How long CAN you put off the birds & bees lecture?
#245: How many times can you rewrite your will?
#246: Never buy retail.
#247: Cheer when they get their driver's licenses.
#248: Smile when they squash your Chevy.
#249: Send a care package to college.
#250: Resist the impulse to clean their dorm rooms.
#251: If they become Ivy Leaguers it's because of YOUR genes.
#252: If they're going to State, it's because of Dad's genes.
#253: Teach them to swim early.
#254: Insist on bike helmets.
#255: Learn CPR.
#256: Take them to the circus.
#257: Send an apple for the teacher.
#258: No blue hair.
#259: Remind them when it's your silver anniversary.
#260: Forbid them to put you in a nursing home.
#261: Threaten to haunt them from beyond the grave.
#262: Ask them for advice once in a while.
#263: Look humble when they say "How'd you do it, Mom?"
#264: Pass along your wedding dress to your daughter.
#265: Give Snickers at Halloween.
#266: Remember the names of their stuffed animals.
#267: Watch all the Peanuts TV specials.
#268: Buy industrial-size detergent boxes.
#269: Learn to say "Watch out!" with feeling.
#270: Buy them cool lunch boxes.
#271: Remain calm when you find your son's "Playboy".
#272: Remain calm when you find daughter's birth control.
#273: Your daughter's house will never be as clean as yours.
#274: Dance a tango at your child's wedding.
#275: Reminisce.
#276: Make their Halloween costumes.
#277: Play Scrabble with them.
#278: Play cards with them.
#279: Good news and bad: Anything can be a toy.
#280: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're walking.
#281: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're talking.
#282: Good news & bad: Before you know it they're in college.
#283: Keep a first-aid kit handy.
#284: You and Dad need a "Date Night".
#285: Let them make their own sundaes.
#286: Don't show their dates naked baby pictures.
#287: Traditions are important.
#288: Don't forget, each new kid is a tax deduction.
#289: Teach them to love libraries.
#290: Help start a stamp collection.
#291: Give pennies for piggy banks.
#292: Learn to love Trolls.
#293: All toys will end up in the bathtub sooner or later.
#294: Don't insist on combing your daughter's hair in public.
#295: Try to get some breakfast in them.
#296: Ice cream still solves most problems.
#297: You can't praise a kid too much.
#298: Buy them a good dictionary.
#299: Let them have an aquarium.
#300: Shiny thing in driveway is your kid's new retainer.
#301: Always look before sitting.
#302: Have a snowball fight.
#303: Hold hands while crossing.
#304: Let them visit where you work.
#305: No matter what, they'll bring home colds from school.
#306: Remember what happened to Joan Crawford.
#307: Don't weep when the school bus takes them away.
#308: Attend school plays.
#309: Don't yell at Little League umpires.
#310: Junior High is traumatic.
#311: Everyone tries to get out of gym class.
#312: Before disciplining -- decompress.
#313: They'll outgrow their shoes before the laces get dirty.
#314: Let them play dress up.
#315: Learn to throw a baseball.
#316: Learn to catch a boomerang.
#317: If they created it at camp, put it on display.
#318: Food fights happen.
#319: Get washable wallpaper.
#320: Don't let them call you by your first name.
#321: They DO look cutest when they're sleeping.
#322: Tell ghost stories.
#323: Kids love antiheroes.
#324: Remember how your mother felt about Mick Jagger.
#325: Celebrate Velcro!
#326: Record their singing.
#327: She's all grown up when she stretches your sweater.
#328: You know your son's grown up when he blushes.
#329: Hang a tire swing.
#330: They'll eat paper and dirt and survive.
#331: If all else fails, take them to the video arcade.
#332: Let them get their ears pierced.
#333: Monster truck rallies can be educational.
#334: Let them play cowboy.
#335: Discourage them from tying up the babysitter.
#336: Don't hold up other people's children as role models.
#337: When they fall asleep in the stroller, don't move them.
#338: Show them photos of yourself as a child.
#339: Let's hear it for stereo headphones.
#340: Cartoons are a good way to learn classical music.
#341: Don't kiss teens in front of their friends.
#342: No credit cards until they graduate.
#343: Check before believing Dad said it was okay.
#344: Murphy's Law is true.
#345: Feel free to remind them of your labor pains.
#346: Sometimes you'll have to tell little white lies.
#347: Remember that you used Cliff Notes too.
#348: At least comic books mean they're reading.
#349: Disposable diapers are worth the guilt.
#350: Don't buy infant clothes without snaps.
#351: Clothes that fit just right are too small.
#352: Everybody's a critic.
#353: Get call waiting.
#354: If you have teenagers, get your own phone.
#355: You know more about chaos theory than most physicists.
#356: Grass stains are Mother Nature's way of saying "Hi".
#357: Nervous breakdowns-Nature saying "Take it easy.".
#358: Arrange to sleep in at least once a month.
#359: Know when enough is enough.
#360: Don't mention their zits.
#361: When technology is ready, clone yourself.
#362: Let your daughter wear your high heels.
#363: Admire your son's mustache even if you can't see it.
#364: Discourage grown kid's from writing a tell-all book.
#365: You'll never stop wondering if you did a good job.