Please explain...

Questions for my kids. Because the fact that I love them more than sunshine or egg rolls or a good red wine, I don't understand them at all. And I made them.


So let's begin...

What happens to my scotch tape?

Seriously, where does it go? Because every single time I go to Target I am forced to buy a new three-pack. What do you do with it? I remember that time you tried to create a toddler size spider web in your closet. Or the time you made yourself a mummy. But lately, I'm starting to think that one of you has some sort of hoarding compulsion

Why do you wait until we've left the house to tell me that you're hungry/thirsty/need to pee?

You see my darlings, once we're in the car it's pretty hard for me to make you a sandwich. . So prior to leaving the house, when there's still a chance you can get what you want - that's the time to ask. Because once we're in the car, its too bad.

The Toys in the Hall

Why is it that the only toys that end up in the hallway outside your bedroom are ones that seem placed there to cause me serious physical injury? When I discover their presence at 3 am in the dark, a matchbox car or Barbie shoe either punctures my foot or leads to the type of fall where I end up with a broken hip and one of those Medic-Alert necklaces that allows seniors to live independently. The most recent culprit was from a Happy Meal. It was a miniature Star Wars skateboard. My kids (and every other kid I know) thought they were coolest things ever. I have no idea why. I think they may have been designed by Ronald McDonald and Al Qaeda because they’re clearly meant for one purpose and that’s to kill parents who accidentally step on them in the dark.

Sheets and your Bed

What happens to your sheets while you sleep? You are tucked into a neat and tidy bed every night. When I check on you in the morning, it looks like an alligator has gotten in there and spun a hundred death rolls with your sheets and blankets. The fitted sheet has popped off all the corners. The stuffed animals are thrown around the room. The blankets are wadded up in the corner. What happens to you?

Toothpaste is For Teeth, Right?

Why does toothpaste seem to get the best of you every single time? Is toothpaste your nemesis? Why does it end up everywhere except the one place that it’s supposed to be? In the past week, I have found toothpaste smeared on my refrigerator, in streaks on my sofa’s throw pillow, in your hair, on my shoulder and all over one of my potholders. I’m not a forensics expert or anything, but I wonder why something like toothpaste is such a, sticky, minty fresh presence in our home? And why is it never, ever found on your toothbrushes or teeth?

Is there a reason that you can’t just go in the house?

Why for the love of all things, why does it take forever to get from the car to the house? It’s really easy.
Here’s how it should it work, step-by-step:

1. Wait for the car to stop and then you unbuckle yourself. Do not unbuckle the baby without telling me or she will escape and feed spare change into the cd player.
2. Collect your things. If you’ve done something asinine like take off your shoes and socks for the three-minute ride home, please put them back on.
3. Exit the vehicle in an orderly fashion based on where you are sitting because contrary to what I've heard you shout at each other, the first child out of the car has not actually defeated anyone.
4. Walk calmly to the front door, taking no detours to climb trees, jump in puddles or piles of leaves, as if determined to get as wet and dirty as possible and then track it all into my house.
5. Also refrain from having a frantic race with your siblings while also shoving them and screaming.

6. Wait patiently for the ten seconds it will take for me to unlock the front door, i.e., without kicking it or throwing your weight against it as if you were a DEA agent and our family home was a meth lab.
7. Please for the love of all that’s holy can you close the car door? Because Mommy will get snappish if she has to do it again as she is wrestling with a toddler while trying to carry six bags and find her keys. Thank you.



Will there come a time when you realize that there are certain things you should not do while taking a poop?
For example:

• Eat a sandwich
• Read a library book while you are also wiping yourself
• Scream at your brother that you need privacy while insisting that the door must remain open
• Attempt to karate kick the shampoo bottle on the edge of the tub
• Practice your curveball
• Say “MOMMM! YOU’VE GOTTA SEE THIS.”
• See how hard you can pull the shower curtain before it rips or crashes down on your head along with the bar that it was hanging it from
• Ask anyone in this family to keep you company while you “squeeze it out” because you’re lonely or scared

Seriously, what do you do with them?

I hate to beat a dead horse with this, but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS TO YOUR UNDERPANTS?

The boy's underpants disappear to the degree that we have had to add a " Underwear" item to the family budget. Meanwhile, my daughter's underpants seem to multiply in the wash (do they reproduce when they get wet - like Gremlins?)

More questions to come later, without a doubt!