Babysitter App

OK, OK I know its been since JANUARY since I last blogged...Let's just say life is a bit busy!!!  So since summer is right around the corner and we may need a babysitter every now and then.  Here is my babysitting application.  Feel free to steal it!



Babysitter Application


1. Name:
2. Age:

3. Age of your actual maturity level:

4. Number of years caring for children:

5. Number of years caring for children who drove you to drink wine:

6. Do you like to play outside? If so, are you willing to lie on the sidewalk while my daughter draws a chalk outline of your body, making you feel like a homicide victim?

7. Do you like to do craft projects? How good are you at getting Sharpie off things in my house?

8. How many Wiggles albums have you smashed or ‘accidentally’ thrown out the car window?

9. How many times have you threatened to vacuum up all the stray toys left on the floor?

10. Do you have a boyfriend? If so, is he castrated?

11. If a sex offender approached my children while they were in your care, you would:

a. Go all crazy tigress and rip him into small chunks

b. Run away screaming in terror and then later remember you left the kids on the playground

c. Be like "Hi Uncle Fred"

12. Do you smoke? (Bearing in mind that I have the olfactory prowess of a bloodhound and will know if you're lying.)

13. Would you be willing to take a drug test and submit to a background check? (Because you're a stranger and these are my kids and as much as they will MAKE you want to do drugs, you really shouldn't while also watching them because the small one is wily).

14. Do you have any enemies that may want to kill you or anything?

15. If I were to say, friend you on Facebook right now, would I see any pictures of you drinking Bud Light from a can while making out with someone and/or throwing gang signs and/or showing off your jugs?

Or would I find any posts or tweets like: I'm super late to work AGAIN #latenightwithmyboo#bonghitsareawesome #sohungover #stillalittledrunk

16. Do you have access to your own vehicle? If so, does it smell like old cheese and dirty diapers? If not, can I borrow it?

17. Do you have references? Note: No, your former college roommate pretending to be a former employer does not count as a reference.

18. Do you feel the overwhelming need to pick up after kids, fold laundry and/or leave spaces cleaner than how you found them? If yes, please disregard the 17 prior questions. You’re hired.