OK, OK I know its been since JANUARY since I last blogged...Let's just say life is a bit busy!!! So since summer is right around the corner and we may need a babysitter every now and then. Here is my babysitting application. Feel free to steal it!
Babysitter Application
1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Age of your actual maturity level:
4. Number of years caring for children:
5. Number of years caring for children who drove you to drink wine:
6. Do you like to play outside? If so, are you willing to lie on the sidewalk while my daughter draws a chalk outline of your body, making you feel like a homicide victim?
7. Do you like to do craft projects? How good are you at getting Sharpie off things in my house?
8. How many Wiggles albums have you smashed or ‘accidentally’ thrown out the car window?
9. How many times have you threatened to vacuum up all the stray toys left on the floor?
10. Do you have a boyfriend? If so, is he castrated?
11. If a sex offender approached my children while they were in your care, you would:
a. Go all crazy tigress and rip him into small chunks
b. Run away screaming in terror and then later remember you left the kids on the playground
c. Be like "Hi Uncle Fred"
12. Do you smoke? (Bearing in mind that I have the olfactory prowess of a bloodhound and will know if you're lying.)
13. Would you be willing to take a drug test and submit to a background check? (Because you're a stranger and these are my kids and as much as they will MAKE you want to do drugs, you really shouldn't while also watching them because the small one is wily).
14. Do you have any enemies that may want to kill you or anything?
15. If I were to say, friend you on Facebook right now, would I see any pictures of you drinking Bud Light from a can while making out with someone and/or throwing gang signs and/or showing off your jugs?
Or would I find any posts or tweets like: I'm super late to work AGAIN #latenightwithmyboo#bonghitsareawesome #sohungover #stillalittledrunk
16. Do you have access to your own vehicle? If so, does it smell like old cheese and dirty diapers? If not, can I borrow it?
17. Do you have references? Note: No, your former college roommate pretending to be a former employer does not count as a reference.
18. Do you feel the overwhelming need to pick up after kids, fold laundry and/or leave spaces cleaner than how you found them? If yes, please disregard the 17 prior questions. You’re hired.
Our daily nonsense of parenting and homeschooling 3 kids in the country.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
The Wholesale Club
The Wholesale Club
The Check-In
After you've wrestled and loosened your buggy and your kids have allfought decided who is driving , you get stopped at the door by the gestapo wanting to see fifteen forms of ID- as if only celebrities are allowed in this special place and not just anyone who pays a thirty-five dollar fee! And they finally decide to let you pass, you enter the land of Oz, where you can see just about anything, so you aren't surprised when there's a show in the middle of the store between the chicken wings and the Colon Blow.
The Bumper Car Game
Once you do get to fill your buggy, you better not need anything or have a question or need to deal with anyone with a blue vest because they are all busy closing off aisles you can't shop in so they can fill them with more toilet paper and antifreeze and they could care less if you need to check out an ipod. And if you think you see one of them, it won't be for long, as they get all cloaked like Frodo in "Lord of the Rings" and you wonder if you're dreaming or actually having a nightmare-where you are stuck in Sams and can't get out. and you brought all your kids along with you.
So you grab all your loot and shush your kids and tell them "No, you can't have that!" about eighty hundred times and you spend much of your trip standing still because Berta and Sharon are having a high school reunion in the middle of the coffee aisle. And it all gets maddening until you get to the wine department and load up.
The Moochers
While shopping for groceries and shampoo and bug repellent, you also get to work through a maze of giveaways, especially on a Friday afternoon. Not only do they cram the place with mini stations of samples of all kinds of nonsense you probably would never have bought otherwise, but they even have whole meals set up for you to sample. And crazy people line up at these things like they are giving away money! So they wait twenty minutes to get a taste of a Mrs. Paul's fishstick or a granola snack or a sausage ball. Wha?? Because it's free? I cannot get past this folks. And of course all of my kids are screaming at these stations like it's freakin' Mardi Gras and they will miss out if they don't get that tiny sample cup of cheese crackers and tuna. But if I actually brought home and made the cheese crackers and tuna, they'd all say "bleh".
The Check-Out
Once you have your buggy of nonsense, you get to unload everything and reload it at the check out. The thing is, there's a football field length of check outs but only three of them are open and no one is interested in you getting in their line with your buggy and food samples dripping off your toddler. But you finally snag one and bust three of your vertebrae getting all your junk out of the buggy, but before you can check out, she wants to see your Sam's ID- again! Because you may have slipped past the first check point and may be trying to pull something over on Mr. Sam! It's just one more thing to do and it seems like I will never get out of this store. But I finally get checked out and we magically push our heavy buggy the length of a football field to the magic doors to get our arses out of there. Only to be stopped. Again.
Check Point #3
These folks are hard core about making sure you don't pull one over on them. They act like they have the golden cow and you are trying to steal it- piece by piece. So they stop you at the door, demanding to see a receipt, one that will cover your buggy and they look over your receipt, and look over your loot as if they're from the Department of Immigration and you might have some illegals in your vehicle and we're just not gonna have any of that at the Sam's Club!
And when you finally get you and your crew out of the store, you still ain't done with their nonsense, because I'll bet you some jackhole is parked right in front of the store because they're too special to walk to their dagum car-like you have to, so you have to maneuver your enormously heavy buggy, a pack of knuckleheads, and your sanity around their ginormous pick-up, careful not to let your crew bash into it as they round the corner
And just when I get in the driver's seat, start my car, put in some Journey or Elton John… I hear the same thing every time..."I'm hungry...can we get something to eat?".
And tomorrow, I'm due for a Sam's trip. And I'd pretty much rather have a root canal. Or a colonoscopy.
Peace!
About every two weeks I make a trip to Sam's Club, where I buy things like twenty-five pound bags of rice, jars of pickles as big as my toddler, and a kazillion loaves of bread. Maybe there's no Sam's where you live, maybe it's Costco or one of those other ginormous stores that houses vats of supplies for the end of the world. And whenever I go, I always take the whole crew, always have.. But my kids aren't the biggest issue when it comes to shopping at Sams. Here's the skinny...
The Check-In
After you've wrestled and loosened your buggy and your kids have all
The Bumper Car Game
Once you do get to fill your buggy, you better not need anything or have a question or need to deal with anyone with a blue vest because they are all busy closing off aisles you can't shop in so they can fill them with more toilet paper and antifreeze and they could care less if you need to check out an ipod. And if you think you see one of them, it won't be for long, as they get all cloaked like Frodo in "Lord of the Rings" and you wonder if you're dreaming or actually having a nightmare-where you are stuck in Sams and can't get out. and you brought all your kids along with you.
So you grab all your loot and shush your kids and tell them "No, you can't have that!" about eighty hundred times and you spend much of your trip standing still because Berta and Sharon are having a high school reunion in the middle of the coffee aisle. And it all gets maddening until you get to the wine department and load up.
The Moochers
While shopping for groceries and shampoo and bug repellent, you also get to work through a maze of giveaways, especially on a Friday afternoon. Not only do they cram the place with mini stations of samples of all kinds of nonsense you probably would never have bought otherwise, but they even have whole meals set up for you to sample. And crazy people line up at these things like they are giving away money! So they wait twenty minutes to get a taste of a Mrs. Paul's fishstick or a granola snack or a sausage ball. Wha?? Because it's free? I cannot get past this folks. And of course all of my kids are screaming at these stations like it's freakin' Mardi Gras and they will miss out if they don't get that tiny sample cup of cheese crackers and tuna. But if I actually brought home and made the cheese crackers and tuna, they'd all say "bleh".
The Check-Out
Once you have your buggy of nonsense, you get to unload everything and reload it at the check out. The thing is, there's a football field length of check outs but only three of them are open and no one is interested in you getting in their line with your buggy and food samples dripping off your toddler. But you finally snag one and bust three of your vertebrae getting all your junk out of the buggy, but before you can check out, she wants to see your Sam's ID- again! Because you may have slipped past the first check point and may be trying to pull something over on Mr. Sam! It's just one more thing to do and it seems like I will never get out of this store. But I finally get checked out and we magically push our heavy buggy the length of a football field to the magic doors to get our arses out of there. Only to be stopped. Again.
Check Point #3
These folks are hard core about making sure you don't pull one over on them. They act like they have the golden cow and you are trying to steal it- piece by piece. So they stop you at the door, demanding to see a receipt, one that will cover your buggy and they look over your receipt, and look over your loot as if they're from the Department of Immigration and you might have some illegals in your vehicle and we're just not gonna have any of that at the Sam's Club!
And when you finally get you and your crew out of the store, you still ain't done with their nonsense, because I'll bet you some jackhole is parked right in front of the store because they're too special to walk to their dagum car-like you have to, so you have to maneuver your enormously heavy buggy, a pack of knuckleheads, and your sanity around their ginormous pick-up, careful not to let your crew bash into it as they round the corner
And just when I get in the driver's seat, start my car, put in some Journey or Elton John… I hear the same thing every time..."I'm hungry...can we get something to eat?".
And tomorrow, I'm due for a Sam's trip. And I'd pretty much rather have a root canal. Or a colonoscopy.
Peace!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Our Posse
